Size does matter
Cute, maybe, but little weenies just don’t cut it
Saturday July 26, 2008 22:46 - (SA)
My friend has promised to stay away from poor men but I forgot to tell her that short men are just as unappealing and freaky, especially in public.
Dating a short man is ridiculous because you attract unnecessary attention all the time.
It’s worse than being a black chick dating a white man.
When folk see you and a short man in public as a couple, from behind he looks like your son and from the front he looks like your garden gnome.
You end up feeling like you are part of a circus.
How can you date a man as tall as an 11-year-old boy?
“I had a short man once and it was comical,” my friend chips in.
“He always avoided shopping with me. One day I spotted him going to the children’s department looking for shoes.
“I never mentioned the topic of shopping again.”
I’m not being mean but if you want a reason to dump your short man then take him to a crowded area, switch off your phone and later tell him you couldn’t find him.
But what are you doing with him in the first place?
The worst is when they have a big head on that small body. Who the hell can you introduce him to?
Do you ask him to wear platform heels even though we are not in the 70s? To avoid being insensitive, please be more careful when flirting with a stranger, especially when you aren’t sure of his height.
Tips:
Never make eye contact or respond to a man smiling at you when he is sitting down until you have made sure that his feet touch the floor.
Make sure he is not standing at the table when you assume he is sitting down.
If a man who has been recommended by a friend calls you and asks you out, and he is overly aggressive on the phone, that is a clear sign that he is short with a complex and rage.
Yes, he will take it out on you.
Imagine the embarrassment of being beaten up by a vertically challenged weenie!
Just as you would goggle a man before dating him, please goggle him to check his height before meeting him for a date.
His voice should also give you an indication of his height. Apparently short men have girl voices, so avoid men who have no baritone.
But there are advantages says my friend.
Advantages:
You can use him as a blanket during winter.
You get discounts at golf courses by pretending he is a student wanting to play.
You get free entry at the local circus by pretending to be his assistant. All you need is some make-up and voila! – they will assume he is the circus midget.
He can share clothes with your son and when you want to buy him a gift you can go to the boys section, which is cheaper than the adult section.
He will be loyal in a relationship as he can’t believe he doesn’t have to pick from circus folk.
But there are also disadvantages:
Dating a short man makes people think you are desperate for a lay.
It will always be a topic of discussion for your friends, unless of course he has six other friends and you change your name to Snow White.
You will have to eventually see him naked and I’m told it’s a weird sight as everything is adult but so small.
You will have to buy him a pillow (to prop him up) during meal times so as to see him.
You will even be more embarrassed if it turns out he is a serious and committed gangster or a raving homosexual. Short gays or gangsters are just wrong.
The point is, life is not short like some think it is.
It’s very long and you don’t want to be stuck with a man with a limited view of the world.
Precious Precious
I must be honest and once again applaud Precious Motsepe on another fabulous Fashion Week.
Yesterday was the end of the Joburg Fashion Week Spring-Summer collections held at Montecasino.
I am proud of you, sisi, for showcasing some really talented established and up-and-coming designers.
I enjoyed the drama that Heni Este-Hijzen offered, as well as the beautiful creations of Sun Goddess and David Tlale.
Thanks, darling, because, really, if it were not for you David would still be sporting big hair in some dusty township and Heni would be partying up a storm in some club instead of being fabulous.
Great to see our own shine instead of embracing European designers we have never met.
Keep it up and do employ more darkies at African Fashion International. Thanks sisi omhle.
Lies, lies, lies, everywhere
By now you know I hate paying for things, so it was with much delight that I accepted an invitation to take part in a lucky draw for a guaranteed prize from some marketing company based in Kyalami.
This is how it went: “Miss Roberts, you stand a chance of winning R50000 or 10 nights accommodation or a quad bike, a big screen TV or a laptop. All you have to do is listen to our presentation.”
I was so excited I nearly phoned someone but remembered that would cost me, so I sent a “please call me” instead.
Off I went to their premises only to find that someone would have to talk to me for an hour before I could take part in the lucky draw.
Bloody hell, I don’t have an hour, so I went straight to the point and asked the Afrikaans gentleman what they were selling and when I would get my prize.
He got upset and said if I was in a hurry I shouldn’t have pitched, then sent me downstairs to draw a prize.
I was later told all the prizes are the same and that nobody had ever won anything besides the accommodation and even then some of the places you could select from wanted you to pay for your own meals. Wow!
Now you know.
People are deceitful and have no qualms about wasting your time.
Point is, if it’s too good to be true then it’s probably isn’t.
Oh, and if these guys phone you, tell them you don’t do holiday clubs as they are filled with peasants.
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